Friday, November 12, 2010

Just for Mom

Today my heart aches as the memories of the day I lost my wonderful mom come flooding back. I have said many times this week that there days when it seems like it happened 24 hours ago and then there days when it seems like it happened 20 years ago. Instead it has been 7 years. Boy how my life has changed and with each new adventure I long for her by my side even more.

My mom was diagnosed with Leukemia in January of 2003 and died one month shy of her 38Th birthday on November 12, 2003. The events of that day and the days following it are forever etched into my brain. After being admitted to the hospital 3 weeks before my mom had began chemo and ended up very sick and on a ventilator. While she was in ICU so much was going on I was pregnant with my second child Duece and my sister Hillary gave birth to her son Taylor all while our brother was a freshman in high school. I spent many days in Birmingham with my family but also many days at home with Jesse trying to keep her life "normal" which is what my mom wanted me to do most. I remember thinking about how she had already "beat" this once before and we would weather this storm and she would come home. I kept telling myself and Jesse that. I was wrong...She got more and more sick as time went on. On the morning of November 12 my dad called and woke me up. He told me that my moms organs were starting to shut down and that she had little brain activity (had been on the vent more than 3 weeks) and that she wouldn't make it until the night. I had a very hard choice to make leave and go be by her side or stay at home with Jesse. I chose to stay home with Jesse. I thought this is what my mom would have wanted me to do. Now looking back I wish I had of left Jesse with friends to go and be by her side. The next couple days were insane they came and went in the blink of an eye. During all of this my sister had her birthday major crappy right?

I still have tons of unresolved emotions from that day. I was pregnant with Duece (a pregnancy that already was a little rocky) and didn't want my stress or grieving to be hinder the developing baby. To this day I know I still haven't grieved like I should for what I lost. I miss my mom so much and there is almost not one day that goes by that I don't miss her. I know her heavenly Daddy longed to have her in heaven with him so He called her home. I also know that no matter how badly she or I would love for her to be here there is no way she would leave the wonders of heaven to be with me. She instead waits for me, my siblings, father and her grandchildren at those pearly gates. Knowing all of that brings me alot of comfort.

For a long time I had been questioning why God would take this wonderful special person from me. I will never know why and it is not my place to question God. But I have learned God gives and He takes away...And as the song goes "My heart will chose to say BLESSED be His name." I can't wait to get to heaven and see what my mom thinks of who I have become but most of all I can't wait to give her a hug and have a LONG talk. The one thing I miss the most about her for myself is how she use to call me every single day so by then the LONG talk will be much needed!

I do miss you so much and my heart almost longs for the day that you and I will be together again. But God has called me for things on this earth that are yet to be done. And you have 3 grand babies who need me to shape and nurture them as you did us. So until then please watch over us everyday and save us a nice spot on that cloud you might be perched upon. Put in a good word for dad I am afraid he might need it. We love you and while you are gone from our lives your impact will never be forgotten. I love you!

1 comment:

  1. My momma used to call me everyday too. I miss those calls so much.