November 1st

I can't believe it today is November 1st! Yikes what is that like 53 days to Christmas...who's counting?!?! Now that October has been put to bed and the Halloween candy is being consumed we move into my favorite time of year. Oh wait who am I kidding aside from celebrating my saviors birth and spending time with family reflecting on what we are thankful for I HATE this time of year. I use to be full of Christmas cheer decorating long before the turkey was in the oven never mind eaten. But 8 years ago my mother pasted right in the middle of this "holiday season" after a very short by horrible battle with leukemia. November 12 to be exact. It seems that every year on October 23 my nephew's birthday (he was born just days after my mom was readmitted to battle her leukemia relapse and only 3 days after she was put in a medical coma and onto the ventilator) a black cloud comes over me that I can't shake...said cloud remain on through Nov 12 her death anniversary, 14th my little sisters b-day, Thanksgiving, Dec 15 moms own b-day, Christmas and then my birthday Jan 8. It seems like once my birthday is over the cloud leaves and for a while the pain is pushed aside.

I can't decided what it is about all of this that gets me so down. First of all I know she is in a much better place one from which she would never willing chose to leave and I know that in death as crazy as it sounds she received her ultimate healing all of which I am ok with. This is where I would normally say " I miss her for my kids!" But I am starting to realize that is a lie I miss her for me. I just plain old miss her like crazy. I honestly as selfish as I am going to sound want her back. And there are times when I my need for her is overwhelming. In the middle of all that is going on in my life at this very moment I just wish I had to call and chat with, her advice, her inspiration and her help. I am trying hard this year to let this cloud go! I want to be in a good mood this time of year for my kids and the others around me. I am just having a harder time then usual shaking the cloud.

God is and has been so good to me and my family. And I know the only real way to get through all of this is with Him and the love and support of friends and family. This time I am giving it all to God and not picking it back up He has gotten me through so much and He will get me through this. Anyone else have something that gets them down during this time of year? We can pray for each other!